A choice between two luxury trips to Australia
, Land of the World’s Deadliest Snakes ($12,000). “Lizard Island
” sounds like way more fun than a place called “El Questro Homestead
,” so Quvenzhané Wallis will probably go there.The Vampire Facelift
($5,000), a procedure that puts acid in your face to make you look younger. Quvenzhané Wallis won’t look a day over 8.Heathrow by Invitation
($1,800), a private VIP service for dignitaries, heads of state, and “the world’s most discerning travellers,” like 9-year-old Quvenzhané Wallis.Windex Touch-Up cleaner
($3.99), which offers Quvenzhané Wallis a fast and convenient solution to clean and sanitize the most frequently used surfaces in her home without missing a beat.Hydroxycut Gummies and Hydroxycut Sprinkles
($50.00). All the weightloss of regular Hydroxycut in fun gummy and shaker-bottle styles for kids.Naked Condoms
(6 pack, $20.00). Shouldn’t Quvenzhané Wallis’ introduction to prophylactics be with “the finest condoms in the world”?Bonita Platinum Tequila
($99.00). This premium tequila (manufactured by a company partially owned by Xzhibit) is distilled five times before bottling, making it smooth enough for even a 9-year-old’s sensitive palate.Hickies
($19.99). Yes, in addition to condoms and tequila, Quvenzhané Wallis will also be receiving Hickies, “an elastic lacing system that allows you to turn any shoe into a slip on .”Le Petit Cirque
($400.00). It’s not clear what exactly this gift consists of; its description says only “North America’s only all-kid pro Cirque troupe,” and its domain name expired on February 15, suggesting that, if nothing else, at least the website is run by children. $400 seems pretty cheap for a legion of humans, particularly if they are gifted acrobats, so the item is most likely a pack of tickets to a Petit Cirque show. Maybe Quvenzhané Wallis can go and make friends with a 10-year-old strongman.
SSSSSUUUUUGGGGAAAARRRR, in the form of Rouge Maple Gourmet Products
($120.00). Lots of syrup.“A premium electronic cigarette with the look, feel and flavor of the real thing”
by NJOY ($40.00).Bracelets that double as hair ties
by Duette ($80.00). Quvenzhané Wallis will probably be more excited by these (which are sparkly) than any other present.